I feel bad
by shmibby
Summary: Her heart wasn't breaking, it should be but it wasn't and that made her feel bad, sort of. Songs, I feel bad- Rascell Flatts and Whiskey Lullaby- Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Zoey 101

A/N: so I've decided that Rascall flatt's has some great break up songs, and I keep getting stories in my head from them, so here is another one. For those of you wondering, I am not going to be writing any chapter stories anytime soon, but I will probably do some more song fics, I have a fair few songs in mind. I liked doing those and these help me unwind from studying for finals, which suck.

This one is depressing but I like it.

Enjoy!

**I Feel Bad**

_I should be out in that driveway stopping you_

_Tears should be rolling down my face_

Quinn sat on the couch watching Logan's bags by the door. He had so many, there was more then she knew even existed. She just watched silently as he placed the last one down and turned towards her. She looked away. He sighed.

A knock sounded on the door, she didn't move. Logan opened the door, Chase and Michael stood on the doorstep, solemn face. Logan pointed at his bags; they each grabbed a few and walked out the door.

Quinn followed and stood in the doorway watching them load the bags into Chase's trunk. Not a tear slid down her cheek.

_And I don't know why I'm not falling apart_

_Like I usually do_

_And how the thought of losing you's not killing me_

_I feel bed_

Logan lifted the last bag into the car and slammed the hood. He hung his head, she saw him take a deep breath and then look up into her eyes.She stared back, standing cross armed and held his gaze. All he saw there was emptiness, no feeling, no hurt, not sorrow, nothing. Logan didn't get it, why wasn't she breaking down?

Quinn watched Logan move to the side door, after one last glance at her, he slid inside. She watched the car back to the end of the driveway, wondering why she wasn't in tears, why this wasn't hurting. What was wrong with her?

_That I can stand here strong_

_Cold as stone, seems so wrong_

_I can't explain it_

The car made it to the end of the driveway and backed into the street and then pulled away, for forever.

Quinn watched solemnly, as it started to rain, to pour. Yet she stood staring at the driveway. She wasn't crying, not a tear, and that seemed wrong. Her husband had just left her, forever, yet she felt nothing. It was wrong, unnatural, but she had not emotion left.

The rain continued to pour, harder and harder, as if trying to show her what she should be doing, her tears should be cascading like the raindrops, but they weren't and wouldn't ever. She turned and went back inside.

_Maybe it's just_

_I've cried so much_

_I'm tired and I 'm numb, baby I hate it_

_I feel bad that I don't feel bad_

She shut the door and headed toward the kitchen, her mind reeling.

Flashback

She lay in bed staring at the ceiling. She sighed heavily, and glanced at the clock beside her bed. The numbers glowed read, reading 3:30. Where the hell was he?

Just as she turned to her side, deciding that maybe she would call him. She heard the bedroom door open. Her brain screamed with anger and she decided she wasn't going to let it go this time.

"Where the hell have you been!?" she screamed sitting up in bed and staring at him.

Logan halted, clearly hoping he would have made it in without being caught. "Party got out of hand." He said simply. "Sorry."

"Sorry!? Sorry!? Are you kidding me!?" Quinn got out of bed and walked over to him. "I've been up all night, wondering if you were dead in a ditch or with someone else!" she was screaming, anger taking over the hurt.

"Babe, don't over react, it was nothing." Logan went to brush past her, but Quinn stood still, solid, not letting him by.

"No, it's not nothing! This is the third time this week!" She was seething. "I can't do this all the time." Her voice broke.

"Then don't, I'm fine." He replied.

"You're not dead sure, but what about something else?" she faltered, she had to know, even if it crushed her, she had to know if he was cheating.

"You know me better than that." He said slowly.

"Yeah, I thought I did," her voice broke again and she felt tears in her eyes.

"What do you mean? You don't trust me!?" He barked, not believing she was serious.

"I don't know if I can." Her voice was wobbling form the sobs she was trying to hold back.

"But…" Logan stopped, he had no idea what to say. "You can trust me!" were the only words he could find, they weren't the right ones, but he didn't have those.

"No, I can't!" He never denied it; he wasn't begging her to believe him. This was wrong. "Go sleep on the couch, I don't want to be near you!"

"But babe…" he pleaded.

"No, go!" she screamed pointing to the door. He gave her one more pleading look, before he left. She slept alone that night and cried herself to sleep. It was the beginning of the end.

End Flashback.

_I can let myself be angry over wasted time_

_And sad about throwing love away_

She walked to the kitchen and leaned on the counter and scanned the room, there was no trace of him left. Not a shoe, not a paper, nothing. They had been married five years and dated for three years before that. That was eight years that she had devoted to him. Eight years she never could get back. She 

should be seething, screaming about him to Lola and Zoey but she wasn't. She was standing strong, here in her kitchen, not hurting.

Yeah, maybe they could have worked things out, but she didn't know if it was worth it. Their love hadn't been real, they had wanted it to be, and they had pretended it was. Both believed they were mean to be. But both were too scared to say it, maybe they weren't mean to be. Maybe it was really nothing but an attraction between them, nothing more.

_Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking._

_But I won't lie_

_All I want to do is turn the page_

_I feel bad_

Maybe that was why her heart didn't feel broken. Maybe because it was never really touched by him, if he hadn't touched it, he couldn't really break it, right?

Sure, she would let that be the reason. Make herself feel better. She had seen his eyes, seen the pain and hurt in them. She had touched and broken his heart, yet he hadn't done the same to hers. That made her feel guilty, almost.

She slapped the counter, startling herself. She wasn't going to do this, she was done with him and the lies and the broken promises. She was starting fresh. Today was the first day of the rest of her life.

_That I can stand here strong_

_Cold as stone, seems so wrong_

_I can't explain it_

She turned and went to the living room and opened her computer and started it up. While it booted she went to grab some snacks. Yeah, they might say her heart was ice or hard as stone, but she didn't care. She was done being crushed, she was moving on.

_Maybe it's just_

_I've cried so much_

_I'm tired and I'm numb, Baby I hate it_

_I feel bad_

She hated that she couldn't cry but she had no tears left, he took all those with him.

Flashback

"Are you having an affair?" Quinn asked bluntly at dinner one night.

Logan dropped his fork and stared at her, confused. "Excuse me?" he asked.

"You heard me." She spat

"No," he said. "Why the hell do you ask?" he was stunned but angry that she would think something like that.

"The late night parties, various 'dinners' with female actors, the mysterious calls. It all adds up." Quinn said staring him straight in the eye.

"Well re-check your adding, cause it's not true. I'm insulted and hurt you would say that!" he continued.

"Well I'm hurt and insulted that would lie to me. I don't and can't trust you." She spat standing up.

"Are you saying you don't believe me!?" he asked, confused and slightly pissed.

"That's right. I saw your eyes shift like they do when you lying. You're lying and I'm done." She seethed slamming her chair into the table, and pulled off her ring and threw it at him, then she turned and left the room.

Logan was stunned, shocked and utterly confused. Had she just left him? "What!?" he cried, his voice breaking as he held her ring between his fingers.

"You heard me!" her voice rang down the hall, and he heard a slight sob, then a door slam.

Quinn collapsed on the bed and sobbed, more than she ever had before.

_That I don't feel bitter, lone_

_I just feel its time, it's time to move on_

_I just gotta move on and on and on and on_

She grabbed the popcorn from the microwave and collapsed on the couch, computer propped upon her stomach. She was done crying over Logan Reese, she had no more tears and al she wanted was to move on. And move one, she would do.

_Yeah._

_Baby, it's just I've cried so much_

_I'm tired and I'm numb, baby I hate it_

_I feel bad that I don't feel bad_

_No, I don't feel bad_

Yeah she had no more tears to spare, no more sorrow left. Sure she felt bad, but she also felt relieved and glad to be done with it all.

A/N: I know depressing. But I think I am going to make this into a two-shot with a look at Logan and another take on what Quinn is really feeling. If I do what I plan on doing, it's going to get really sad, but we'll see. Review and let me know what you thought. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't Zoey 101 or Whiskey Lullaby

A/N: Alright so this is extremely depressing, I am not in a good mood. (Failed my chem. Final and destroyed my chem. Grade, so not happy). I like how I wrote this and I feel very proud of it even though it's really sad.

Ace's Buddy: I promise the next Quoagan story will be happy, I have some happy songs in mind that would make really good fluff pieces, I promise I will write one of those next. I know the depressing stuff gets old, so look out for that. But thanks for reading and reviewing the last chapter.

Thanks to the other two people who also reviewed.

Let me know what you think of this part

**Whiskey Lullaby**

_She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette_

_She broke his heart; he spent his whole life tryin' to forget_

_We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time_

_But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind_

_Until the night_

She hadn't winced, hadn't shed one tear, and hadn't shown any emotion at all. How could she? How could she do that to him? What had happened?

Logan sighed, slumping back on the couch. It had been one year to the date, since him and Quinn had separated. They hadn't officially gotten a divorce, then again she might have sent papers, he wouldn't know. All he knew was she had kicked him out for something he didn't do. She had accused him of cheating. They had argued, and she had thrown her ring at him and that had been it. She had cried all night, he had heard her. So why wasn't she in tears the day he left?

He swallowed another gulp of the whiskey, and watched the dancing flames in the fireplace. He hadn't done anything wrong, never even thought about another woman. But he hadn't noticed what he had done, he had put distance between them and he couldn't fix it, not now, not ever.

He sighed when he heard the phone ring. He didn't move, he didn't care, nothing mattered anymore. The phone stopped ringing and he heard a familiar voice leave a message.

"Logan, dude, where are you? No one's seen you for weeks; you aren't drinking again are you? Man, I hope not. Please call when you get this, we're worried." A click and the message ended.

Logan laughed, Chase always worrying. Well he had a reason too, he guessed. After Quinn had left him, he had hit the bottle, hard. The gang noticed, tried their best to help him, they had gotten him into a treatment center, went to AA meetings with him, they did everything they could. But he didn't care, none of it worked. All that helped him was the drink and he wasn't going to stop.

None of it worked because he didn't want it to work, he didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to feel his heart beating in his chest. It should have stopped a year ago. It should have stopped the day he rode away from the one person he loved most. He had allowed it to continue to beat for one year, but tonight was it. He couldn't take it anymore; he was going to stop that horrible beating.

_He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger_

_And finally drank away her memory_

_Life is short but this time it was bigger_

_Than the strength he had to get up off his knees_

_We found him with his face down in the pillow_

_With a note that said 'I'll love her till I die."_

_And when we buried him beneath the willow_

_The angels sang a whiskey lullaby_

Chase, Michael, Zoey and Lola arrived at Logan's house and pounded on the door, no one answered. Instead of waiting to see if he would come or calling someone to get them in, Chase and Michael broke down the door.

They didn't care if anyone saw them, didn't care if they got arrested. They had to find Logan. It had been two weeks since anyone had seen him last. Chase had called the night before but Logan never called back. Everyone agreed something was wrong. Logan had fallen back to drinking not long ago, or at least they had suspected he had. His break up with Quinn had utterly destroyed him.

After the door crashed open, they stepped inside. One look around and they could tell that their suspicions had been right; he had fallen back to drinking. There were whiskey bottles everywhere and the place stank of alcohol.

After exchanging terrified glances they split up, praying they would find him passed out but alive. Ten minutes later a scream came from the bedroom, they dashed to see what had caused it. What they found caused them all to stand horrified, staring at the bed.

There was Logan, face down in the pillows, dead. He had drunk away not only his pain but his life as well. When they recovered enough to inspect him they found his hand clutching a note that read, "I'll love her till I die." The girls couldn't stand; they just collapsed against the wall, tears streaming from their eyes.

Chase called the ambulance; Logan was pronounced dead on the scene. His body was covered and taken away. The funeral was a week later; they laid him to rest under a willow in a private graveyard. Tears were shed as the coffin was lowered in the ground. Everyone tossed a flower down before turning and leaving the grave site.

Once everyone was gone, a lone figure came and stood above the hole where Logan rested. Tears cascading down her cheeks.

_The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself_

_For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath_

_She finally drank her pain away a little at time_

_But she could never get drunk enough to get him off her mind_

_Until the night_

It had been two and half years since Logan had drank himself to death and they had laid him to rest. Two and half years of guilt that had built up inside of Quinn, guilt she had no idea how to deal with, expect through the bottle. She played with the bottle, staring at the wall. She took another sip and sighed. Everyone had been calling her lately, asking how she was, where she was.

For years she tried to hide it, drinking mouth wash before they went out. Hiding her bottles when they came over, she didn't need help she said. She was fine; it was just a way to unwind.

God, was that a lie. She drank for one reason and one reason only, to rid herself of her guilt. She had stood and watched him leave without shedding one tear, not showing any emotion at all. At the time, it was because she thought her heart hadn't been touched by him, that he really meant nothing to her. Boy, was she wrong.

When she had heard the news that he had drank himself to death, holding a note saying he would love her till he died, she knew he hadn't affected her heart, he had taken it. He had had full control of it. What she thought was absence of love was actually so much love, that he didn't know how to show it.

And instead of trusting him, and working with him to show how much she really loved him back, she pushed him out the door and to his death. And that was something she would never forgive herself 

for. She would never rid herself of that guilt and pain. She didn't want to live without him anymore. She wanted her heart back and there was only one way to get it.

_She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger_

_And finally drank away his memory_

_Life is short but this time it was bigger_

_Than the strength she had to get up off her knees_

_We found her face down in the pillow_

_Clinging to his picture for dear life_

_We laid her next to him beneath the willow_

_While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby._

Chase, Michael, Lola and Zoey were on Quinn's doorstep waiting for her to answer. The whole scene, reminded them of not long ago. Every single one of them hoped that they wouldn't find the same results.

Once again, they busted in, again they split up to search. They found the hidden bottles in the cabinets and cupboards, they smelled the air fresheners used to cover the whiskey smell. They knew they had missed her falling apart.

A scream sounded from the bedroom again, they rushed to the door. Again they found a site that broke their hearts and souls. There she was face down in the pillow, exactly like he had been. The y all collapsed to the floor, sobs racking their bodies. How could they let this happen again? This time it was an hour before they were able to gather the strength to call an ambulance. Again she was pronounced dead on the scene. The paramedics wrapped her body, handing them what she had been clutching, a picture of him.

They held the funeral one week later. Everyone once again came out to say good-bye. They laid her next to him beneath the same willow. The prayers were said, the flowers given, and her body lowered down beside his.

The four friends were the last to leave; they just watched the spot for a moment. There in front of them laid two of their best friends, gone because of one another. As they turned to leave them for the last time, finally at rest; they swore they could hear angels singing a whiskey lullaby.

A/N: I know really really depressing, but I am not in a good mood, so that's what happens. Well review and let me know what you think. I will be writing a happier fic next I promise.


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